WHY DO PEOPLE SEXUALLY ABUSE CHILDREN?
There are many different kinds of abusers, and it’s not clear why people molest children. What’s been found in recent research is an overwhelming majority of people guilty of child molesting, were molested themselves. We used to think this statistic was much smaller, but with more detailed research, we’ve discovered this statistic to be very high. Statistics involving men in New Jersey prisons convicted of sexual abuse, found that over 95% of the men, were in fact abused themselves. And we don’t know, but it could be that the 5% of non-abused men in that case don’t remember being abused as children; they may have amnesia or a traumatic dissociation.. Some abuse may be the attempt to relive one’s own abuse, with power roles reversed. Another reason may be these people have learned that abuse is a way of feeling in control. Fundamentally, in all cases of abuse, it certainly is about power and control.
Some abusers don’t relate well to people of their own age group. They relate much better to children, and as a result, pick children to abuse. Abusers often project attributes or qualities onto the children they abuse. These attributes are false, and are just in the mind of the abuser. A perpetrator may create false beliefs about a child’s wishes, desires, and likes, or try to bring the child up to their peer level (imagining a sexual attraction or relationship with them). They may believe the child wants them to do the sexual acts. We often hear ridiculous statements from abusers such as, "he/she was a seductive child"; which is complete nonsense. It’s a complex and still unclear set of issues that drives childhood sexual abuse. However, it is up to adults to control their own behaviors.
CAN A CHILD SEXUAL ABUSER BE REHABILITATED?
Did you know that the majority of molested children are perpetrated by family members, close relatives or people who have close proximity to them.
It depends on who the child molester is. Most of these people are called incest perpetrators because they’re family members to the children.
What’s been found for these individuals who get reported (incest perpetrators), is that they are likely to have more than one victim, and usually only abuse within their family.
As a result, it’s hard to measure whether they would abuse again, at later times, with other children. They’re not considered what is clinically called a pedophile.
Pedophiles are a different class of child molesters, and are considered sexual addicts. In spite of their best interests, a pedophile will abuse children as long as there is opportunity.
There are pedophiles who must drive different routes home just to avoid the temptation of children they might otherwise encounter.
The type of child molester most resistant to treatment is called a fixed pedophile. These people primarily abuse children of their own gender, and across family lines (which is not the majority of sex abusers).
We don’t have a good record of stopping fixed pedophile from abusing again. In general, this is not the case with incest perpetrators. Most people who abuse will probably be able to stop if they are held accountable, punished appropriately, and also given the proper kind of therapeutic treatment.
SO HOW DO YOU KEEP YOU CHILD SAFE?
It’s not a good idea to try and identify child molesters. Molesters consist of so many different kinds of people, with different kinds of personalities, and both genders. Sometimes people who seem totally normal or typical on the surface turn out to be an abuser. Once in a while an abuser is the classic loner, who doesn’t seem to socialize well, and so on, but that’s really not most abusers. Abusers are mostly people who otherwise seem quite normal. So rather than trying to identify abusers, what’s more important is identifying if there is some kind of abuse going on.
PERPETRAOR STATISTICS ON FATHERS, BROTHERS, NEIGHBORS, ETC?
The most commonly reported perpetrators are fathers and stepfathers. Brothers, sisters, mothers, baby-sitters, and uncles, are also among the most common abusers. Who abuses is an important piece in the question, "why do people abuse?" We don’t necessarily know why, but we do know most abusers were abused themselves. With incest perpetration being a family based sexual abuse, it can repeat itself from family member to family member, generation before generation, and those thereafter. But despite this, we know from statistics that overwhelmingly, most children who have been abused, don’t go on to abuse others.
STATISTICS ON BOYS VS. GIRLS WHO ARE ABUSED?
Ninety percent of sexual abuse victims never tell.
Susan Forward, Ph.D., 1989.Innocence and Betrayal Overcoming the Legacy of Sexual Abuse.
Statistics only come from reporting, so we don’t have accurate, objective numbers. But based on the reports we have, it’s believed that 1 in 3 girls is sexually abused, and a general consensus of 1 in 5 to 1 in 7 boys is sexually abused.
IMPORTANT NUMBERS:
Use this US Nationwide hotline RAINN National Rape Crisis Hotline: 800-656-4673.
If you suspect or know a child is being abused, sexually or physically, you should call Childhelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD; 24 Hours a Day.
Or call the National Domestic Violence/Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE / 1-800-799-7233 / 1-800-787-3224 TDD.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
KEGELS
Performing KegelsA popular way to identify the pelvic muscles in men and women is to stop the flow of urine midstream. This is accomplished by contracting the pelvic floor muscles. Restarting the flow of urine is accomplished by releasing the pelvic floor muscles. Once identified this way, the pelvic floor muscles can be contracted and released independently of controlling urination. केगेल्स are most frequently performed in sets. Here are a few techniques:Quick pumps: do 15 reps of quick pumps, pause for 30 seconds and repeat. Start at 15 and work your way up to 100 reps two times a day. Hold and release: contract the muscle slowly and hold for 5 seconds, release slowly. Work your way to at least 25 reps two times a day. Elevator: slowly contract 1/3 of the way, pause, then 2/3 of the way, pause, then all the way. Do 10 reps two times a day.
Benefits for womenFactors such as pregnancy, childbirth, aging and being overweight, and abdominal surgery such as cesarean section, often result in the weakening of the pelvic muscles. Kegel exercises are useful in regaining pelvic floor muscle strength in such cases.Urinary incontinenceThe consequences of weakened pelvic floor muscles may include urinary or bowel incontinence, which may be helped by therapeutic strengthening of these muscles. A meta-analysis of randomized controlled trials by the Cochrane Collaboration concluded that "PFMT [Pelvic floor muscle training] be included in first-line conservative management programmes for women with stress, urge, or mixed, urinary incontinence...The treatment effect might be greater in younger women (in their 40's and 50's) with stress urinary incontinence alone...".[4]Pelvic prolapseThe exercises are also often used to help prevent prolapse of pelvic organs. A meta-analysis of randomized controlled trials by the Cochrane Collaboration concluded that "there is some encouragement from a feasibility study that pelvic floor muscle training, delivered by a physiotherapist to symptomatic women in an outpatient setting, may reduce severity of prolapse".[5]Sexual functionIt is said that kegel exercises make the vagina tighter. Also, after childbirth, practicing pelvic floor contractions during vaginal sex will allow the woman immediate feedback from her partner, who can tell her whether they can feel her muscles tightening. A newly postpartum woman—who has yet to return to sexual intercourse—can retrain her pelvic floor muscles to their pre-pregnancy strength and tone by inserting two or three fingers, or a dildo into her vagina and squeezing them with pelvic floor contractions. Specially designed barbells and weighted insertable devices are available for this purpose.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Infidelity
Infidelity can be defined as any violation of the mutually agreed-upon rules or boundaries of a relationship, and is a breach of faith in an inter-personal relationship.
Sexual infidelity in marriage is sometimes called adultery, philandery or an affair and in other inter-personal relationships it is sometimes called cheating. A man whose wife has committed adultery is referred to as a cuckold, but no equivalent word exists for a woman whose partner has cheated.
Infidelity is not inherently sexual nature, although certain acts of infidelity could be sexual.
What constitutes an act of infidelity varies between and within cultures and depends also on the type of relationship that exists between people. Even within an open relationship, infidelity may arise if a partner to the relationship acts outside of the understood boundaries of the relationship.
SIGNS OF INFIDELITY
1. Number one on the signs of infidelity list is when a spouse becomes emotionally distant, withdrawn or depressed. Most of those who had been cheated on reported this behavior. "He became self-absorbed," one woman told us, "living as if he was single with his own agenda and plans. He became more and more disinterested in me, our family, our friends and our daily needs." Another explained, "His attitude towards me changed gradually, from being an average attentive husband to nearly ignoring me completely towards the end." One man reported, "She showed no interest in improving our marriage. When I tried to show her affection she would not let me, especially not in public. Since the other man traveled in our circle of friends, I later realized she did not want the other man to see her being warm towards me."
2. The second most prominently reported of the signs of infidelity was the fact that the unfaithful spouse became angry, critical and even at times cruel. 70% of those surveyed reported this sign often coupled with emotional and verbal abuse, constant put downs and little to no patience. One woman reported, "At the worst point he was more than disrespectful. He was just plain rude, impatient, angry and aggressive. He was constantly picking fights and refused to help out in the home or with our children. Others reported; "She always seemed somewhat angry at me, like I was to blame for something that was happening." "He showed a low tolerance for our children's behavior. He would snap and snarl at everyone!" "He kept picking apart things I did, like the kind of books I read and the food I prepared." Is your spouse often complaining of trivial things? Do you sense unhappiness in your spouse, but you can't explain it or understand it? (And do they refuse to acknowledge it or talk about it when asked?) Do you feel like you can't do anything right? Do you feel like you keep giving and they keep taking yet they are still unhappy? Yes's to these questions are among the signs of infidelity.
3. Third on the list of the signs of infidelity is the issue of control voiced by those who are cheating. Often they complain that their spouses are "controlling", yet they themselves are guilty of attempting to control. One betrayed spouse reported of their straying partner, "She insisted that I give her more space, that I stop smothering her, and give her room to breathe. Another said their unfaithful spouse began to express a "my way or the highway" type of attitude. Dr. James Dobson in his book 'Love Must be Tough', reports that often preceding a spouses affair is a feeling of being 'trapped' in the relationship. Does your spouse complain about being controlled or that they are being watched, even if you ask very little of what they are doing? Or do you feel pressured to do such and such? If you find that 'control' is an ongoing issue in your discussions with your mate your relationship could be at risk.
4. Fourth on the list of the signs of infidelity was a reported increase in working hours, after work meetings, business trips and a need to work out of town for prolonged periods of time.
5. The fifth and cruelest of the signs of infidelity on the list of our survey results (reported by 50% of those who participated) was illness of the one who is faithful. This is often more a contributing factor than a sign, thus the words of the song "You left me, just when I needed you most." One woman's husband moved the other woman into their home, during her brief hospitalization, the result of a chronic illness. Another woman's husband began his affair while she was laid up with knee surgery. Another during three weeks bedridden with a severe case of pneumonia, another in the ninth month of pregnancy (four days prior to giving birth to their child), and another during her period of recovery from a heart attack. Reality in life is often not a pretty picture. Perhaps our society, which promotes a 'Me first - if it feels good do it' philosophy, contributes to this being among the signs of infidelity. Instead of biting the bullet and remaining faithful, many find themselves tempted during these difficult times by a 3rd party who is more than willing to meet their needs while the faithful spouse has been sideswiped by life.
6. Number six on the list of signs of infidelity was paying extra close attention to their appearance, buying new clothes, losing weight, extra primping, working out at the gym and other sudden fitness endeavors.
7. The seventh of the signs of infidelity was showing more energy and zeal for life, doing things they've never done before or a sudden interest in a new hobby or sport. Interestingly enough this sign was often accompanied by a contrasting lack of energy or depression. "He became withdrawn and seemed to have no energy. He napped or was gone a lot." So zeal for whatever is going on outside the home and lack of zeal for whatever is going on inside the home. "My husband once came home and announced that he was going to a ball game with a buddy. I was only too happy that he was going out to do something really fun with one of his friends. I should have clued in that something was wrong when he added 'It's my turn to do something fun and you can't stop me.' It would never have been my intention to hinder him from having fun. His uncalled for defensiveness, coupled with the extra zeal and enthusiasm for the outing, should have been my clue that his buddy was another woman."
8. Becoming inappropriately defensive when asked questions, was number eight on our list of the signs of infidelity.
9. Signs of Infidelity number nine was becoming extra flirtatious with the opposite sex. One woman reported that it seemed strange the way her husband suddenly greeted other women with a kiss when they were out together visiting friends. (He also became defensive about it when questioned later.) Others reported that their spouse became very defensive about their 'right' to maintain private friendships with the opposite sex. And the faithful spouse was accused of being 'old fashioned' when they justifiably expressed legitimate concerns regarding this potentially hazardous behavior. "She kept telling me that they were 'just friends'. The fact that she continually seemed to need to emphasize it, when I wasn't even asking, should have been an indication to me that something was up."
10. The tenth of the signs of infidelity was an obsessive need for 'private ness' and staying up late at night to work on the computer. When confronted with his excessive late night hours in front of the monitor, one cheater responded "it's none of your business. I'm entitled to my privacy." This is a typical response of an unfaithful spouse. Unfortunately the internet has opened up a whole new way to infidelity. When your spouse suddenly needs a private email or bank account (which they become highly defensive about maintaining) there is a good chance that they are hiding something, and that something is probably marital infidelity. Hiding credit card statements and phone bills are also among the signs of infidelity.
Sexual infidelity in marriage is sometimes called adultery, philandery or an affair and in other inter-personal relationships it is sometimes called cheating. A man whose wife has committed adultery is referred to as a cuckold, but no equivalent word exists for a woman whose partner has cheated.
Infidelity is not inherently sexual nature, although certain acts of infidelity could be sexual.
What constitutes an act of infidelity varies between and within cultures and depends also on the type of relationship that exists between people. Even within an open relationship, infidelity may arise if a partner to the relationship acts outside of the understood boundaries of the relationship.
SIGNS OF INFIDELITY
1. Number one on the signs of infidelity list is when a spouse becomes emotionally distant, withdrawn or depressed. Most of those who had been cheated on reported this behavior. "He became self-absorbed," one woman told us, "living as if he was single with his own agenda and plans. He became more and more disinterested in me, our family, our friends and our daily needs." Another explained, "His attitude towards me changed gradually, from being an average attentive husband to nearly ignoring me completely towards the end." One man reported, "She showed no interest in improving our marriage. When I tried to show her affection she would not let me, especially not in public. Since the other man traveled in our circle of friends, I later realized she did not want the other man to see her being warm towards me."
2. The second most prominently reported of the signs of infidelity was the fact that the unfaithful spouse became angry, critical and even at times cruel. 70% of those surveyed reported this sign often coupled with emotional and verbal abuse, constant put downs and little to no patience. One woman reported, "At the worst point he was more than disrespectful. He was just plain rude, impatient, angry and aggressive. He was constantly picking fights and refused to help out in the home or with our children. Others reported; "She always seemed somewhat angry at me, like I was to blame for something that was happening." "He showed a low tolerance for our children's behavior. He would snap and snarl at everyone!" "He kept picking apart things I did, like the kind of books I read and the food I prepared." Is your spouse often complaining of trivial things? Do you sense unhappiness in your spouse, but you can't explain it or understand it? (And do they refuse to acknowledge it or talk about it when asked?) Do you feel like you can't do anything right? Do you feel like you keep giving and they keep taking yet they are still unhappy? Yes's to these questions are among the signs of infidelity.
3. Third on the list of the signs of infidelity is the issue of control voiced by those who are cheating. Often they complain that their spouses are "controlling", yet they themselves are guilty of attempting to control. One betrayed spouse reported of their straying partner, "She insisted that I give her more space, that I stop smothering her, and give her room to breathe. Another said their unfaithful spouse began to express a "my way or the highway" type of attitude. Dr. James Dobson in his book 'Love Must be Tough', reports that often preceding a spouses affair is a feeling of being 'trapped' in the relationship. Does your spouse complain about being controlled or that they are being watched, even if you ask very little of what they are doing? Or do you feel pressured to do such and such? If you find that 'control' is an ongoing issue in your discussions with your mate your relationship could be at risk.
4. Fourth on the list of the signs of infidelity was a reported increase in working hours, after work meetings, business trips and a need to work out of town for prolonged periods of time.
5. The fifth and cruelest of the signs of infidelity on the list of our survey results (reported by 50% of those who participated) was illness of the one who is faithful. This is often more a contributing factor than a sign, thus the words of the song "You left me, just when I needed you most." One woman's husband moved the other woman into their home, during her brief hospitalization, the result of a chronic illness. Another woman's husband began his affair while she was laid up with knee surgery. Another during three weeks bedridden with a severe case of pneumonia, another in the ninth month of pregnancy (four days prior to giving birth to their child), and another during her period of recovery from a heart attack. Reality in life is often not a pretty picture. Perhaps our society, which promotes a 'Me first - if it feels good do it' philosophy, contributes to this being among the signs of infidelity. Instead of biting the bullet and remaining faithful, many find themselves tempted during these difficult times by a 3rd party who is more than willing to meet their needs while the faithful spouse has been sideswiped by life.
6. Number six on the list of signs of infidelity was paying extra close attention to their appearance, buying new clothes, losing weight, extra primping, working out at the gym and other sudden fitness endeavors.
7. The seventh of the signs of infidelity was showing more energy and zeal for life, doing things they've never done before or a sudden interest in a new hobby or sport. Interestingly enough this sign was often accompanied by a contrasting lack of energy or depression. "He became withdrawn and seemed to have no energy. He napped or was gone a lot." So zeal for whatever is going on outside the home and lack of zeal for whatever is going on inside the home. "My husband once came home and announced that he was going to a ball game with a buddy. I was only too happy that he was going out to do something really fun with one of his friends. I should have clued in that something was wrong when he added 'It's my turn to do something fun and you can't stop me.' It would never have been my intention to hinder him from having fun. His uncalled for defensiveness, coupled with the extra zeal and enthusiasm for the outing, should have been my clue that his buddy was another woman."
8. Becoming inappropriately defensive when asked questions, was number eight on our list of the signs of infidelity.
9. Signs of Infidelity number nine was becoming extra flirtatious with the opposite sex. One woman reported that it seemed strange the way her husband suddenly greeted other women with a kiss when they were out together visiting friends. (He also became defensive about it when questioned later.) Others reported that their spouse became very defensive about their 'right' to maintain private friendships with the opposite sex. And the faithful spouse was accused of being 'old fashioned' when they justifiably expressed legitimate concerns regarding this potentially hazardous behavior. "She kept telling me that they were 'just friends'. The fact that she continually seemed to need to emphasize it, when I wasn't even asking, should have been an indication to me that something was up."
10. The tenth of the signs of infidelity was an obsessive need for 'private ness' and staying up late at night to work on the computer. When confronted with his excessive late night hours in front of the monitor, one cheater responded "it's none of your business. I'm entitled to my privacy." This is a typical response of an unfaithful spouse. Unfortunately the internet has opened up a whole new way to infidelity. When your spouse suddenly needs a private email or bank account (which they become highly defensive about maintaining) there is a good chance that they are hiding something, and that something is probably marital infidelity. Hiding credit card statements and phone bills are also among the signs of infidelity.
ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION
Some of the symptoms of erection problems or (erectile dysfunction) include being unable to:
Have an erection at any time, either with masturbation or with a sex partner.
Maintain an erection firm enough for sexual intercourse.
Maintain an erection long enough to complete sexual intercourse.
Even with an erection problem, a man may still have sexual desire and be able to have an orgasm and to ejaculate.
Treatment for an erection problems(erectile dysfunction) depends on the cause of the problem, which may be psychological, physical, or a combination of both. Erection problems that have one or more major physical causes also often have psychological factors that make the problem worse and make treatment more complicated.
Many doctors take a stepwise approach to treating erection problems, using the least invasive treatments first. These steps are:
Discovering and then eliminating medications that may be causing your condition. In some cases a different medication can be tried.
Trying an oral medication (such as phosphodiesterase-5 inhibitors [Viagra, Levitra or Cialis]), unless an easily treated cause—such as a medication side effect or testosterone deficiency—has been identified.
Trying medications that are injected or inserted into the penis.
Trying a vacuum device.
Trying penile implant surgery or an external penile splint.
Getting counseling if a psychological cause is suspected.
Counseling (also called psychotherapy) or behavioral therapy may be appropriate even if your erection problem has a physical cause. It may be offered if your health professional suspects psychological issues play a role in your erection problems.
For more information on treatment options, see:
What To Think About
It is important to involve your partner in your decision regardless of the treatment you choose.
Oral medications have revolutionized the treatment of erection problems, and they are commonly tried first before other medication or surgery.
Although phosphodiesterase-5 inhibitors have relatively few side effects, they can be dangerous in certain men. If you are taking nitrate-containing medications, such as nitroglycerin, you cannot use Viagra, Levitra, or Cialis. You also should not take certain alpha-blockers—used to lower blood pressure and to treat an enlarged prostate gland—with these medications because of the risk of a dangerous drop in blood pressure. Check with your health professional to see whether you can take Viagra, Levitra, or Cialis with your alpha-blocker.
Many men overestimate how important being able to have erections is to their relationships. Some men find that once they are able to have erections again, the hassle of using the treatment is not worth the effort. Other men may find that being able to have erections doesn't change their relationship as much as they or their partners had expected.
Have an erection at any time, either with masturbation or with a sex partner.
Maintain an erection firm enough for sexual intercourse.
Maintain an erection long enough to complete sexual intercourse.
Even with an erection problem, a man may still have sexual desire and be able to have an orgasm and to ejaculate.
Treatment for an erection problems(erectile dysfunction) depends on the cause of the problem, which may be psychological, physical, or a combination of both. Erection problems that have one or more major physical causes also often have psychological factors that make the problem worse and make treatment more complicated.
Many doctors take a stepwise approach to treating erection problems, using the least invasive treatments first. These steps are:
Discovering and then eliminating medications that may be causing your condition. In some cases a different medication can be tried.
Trying an oral medication (such as phosphodiesterase-5 inhibitors [Viagra, Levitra or Cialis]), unless an easily treated cause—such as a medication side effect or testosterone deficiency—has been identified.
Trying medications that are injected or inserted into the penis.
Trying a vacuum device.
Trying penile implant surgery or an external penile splint.
Getting counseling if a psychological cause is suspected.
Counseling (also called psychotherapy) or behavioral therapy may be appropriate even if your erection problem has a physical cause. It may be offered if your health professional suspects psychological issues play a role in your erection problems.
For more information on treatment options, see:
What To Think About
It is important to involve your partner in your decision regardless of the treatment you choose.
Oral medications have revolutionized the treatment of erection problems, and they are commonly tried first before other medication or surgery.
Although phosphodiesterase-5 inhibitors have relatively few side effects, they can be dangerous in certain men. If you are taking nitrate-containing medications, such as nitroglycerin, you cannot use Viagra, Levitra, or Cialis. You also should not take certain alpha-blockers—used to lower blood pressure and to treat an enlarged prostate gland—with these medications because of the risk of a dangerous drop in blood pressure. Check with your health professional to see whether you can take Viagra, Levitra, or Cialis with your alpha-blocker.
Many men overestimate how important being able to have erections is to their relationships. Some men find that once they are able to have erections again, the hassle of using the treatment is not worth the effort. Other men may find that being able to have erections doesn't change their relationship as much as they or their partners had expected.
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